Just along for the ride

Between the Benedryl for the hives and the other stuff, all I’ve done this week is sleep. Squirt gets himself up and out to the bus stop in the morning. Pork Chop sleeps in his clothes so all I have to do is roll out of bed and take him to school then come back home and go back to bed. I wake up in time to pick him up in the afternoon and then pass out on the couch until time to put them to bed. When I’m awake I’m feeling guilty and hating myself and all I want to do is just go to sleep and not wake up.

Even with not taking the new drug again and tons of Benedryl and Cortisone cream, the hives weren’t getting any better at all after four days so I decided to stop all the meds until I see the doc again. This morning it was noticeably better and tonight it’s almost gone altogether which certainly makes it seem like it was one of the meds I’d already been taking for 2 weeks. Weird. I feel more clear-headed today than I have in a very long time. Not necessarily crazy about what I’m seeing, but I feel like I’m seeing everything clearly. Then again, who knows anymore.

Squirt gave me Hell about not chaperoning his field trip today. The thing is, I offered but they could only take a limited number of adults and his teacher said they already had the maximum number. She told him that and so did I but still he tried to make me feel guilty. Kept saying stuff like “I knew you wouldn’t come.” Well, duh! Of course you knew I wouldn’t come….I told you I wasn’t coming! I did come to last month’s field trip when I said I WOULD and I came and had lunch with you when I said I would and I’ve done everything else I said I would but I told you I wasn’t coming today!! He’s six. He’s a boy. Take your pick. Kind of pisses me off though because then he goes to the counselor and tells her that I was too busy to come today or he was disappointed that I didn’t come or whatever and she takes that at face value.

There was a mother-son dance at school tonight. I really wasn’t “in the mood” for it but he was pulling the same crap telling me that all his friends were going but he told them I’d probably have to work or wouldn’t be feeling well  or wouldn’t have the money or whatever and we probably couldn’t go. I don’t want to give in to that kind of manipulation but I do realize that I haven’t “been there” for him for a long time so we went and had a great time. They called it a dance and there was dancing in the gym but there were also video games, laser tag, etc. So many of the moms were standing around chatting with each other while the boys played and that’s all well and good, I guess, but I figured the point was supposed to be a little mother-son bonding so I had Pork Chop piggy-back while I was dancing with Squirt, I was rolling around in the grass playing laser tag with them, it was so much fun. It helps that I have ABSOLUTELY nothing in common with any of the other moms and probably wouldn’t have been capable of having a conversation with them if they’d let me but we’ll say it was about the boys. I don’t expect Squirt to go into his “club” (support group) next week raving about how his mom was so much cooler than the other moms at the dance. I guess that’s not the way it works. I made a point of really being 100% there with him and enjoying it and I felt good about that so that’s what’s important.

I’ve been meaning to get a haircut for a while but never seem to get around to it. I decided to do it tonight before the dance. My hair was down to my waist so it was time to donate it. When she cut it off and saved it, I explained to Squirt that I was donating it to make wigs for people who have lost their hair and blah blah blah. When it was time to pay, the stylist told me that since I was donating, the haircut was free. I guess Squirt heard us talking about that because when we got to school, the little blabbermouth announced to EVERYONE there that I had to sell my hair so I wouldn’t have to pay for my haircut. That child was definitely put in this world to keep me humble!!

A little better and some craziness

Drummer’s son missed the school bus yesterday morning so I took that as an opportunity to talk to him…sort of. I sent him a text and told him I heard that G missed the bus and if that ever happens and he’s in a pinch, just to call me because I’d be happy to drop him at the elementary school on the way to take Pork Chop to preschool. He thanked me and said that it happens a lot because the bus driver has a tendency to come early.

We texted back and forth a little bit talking about the kids and school and the bus and all of it. Finally I sent a message that said about the other night, the Interrogator has the wrong idea about me and you shouldn’t listen to him. I like to cut up and joke but I’m not like that. I think you’re cute and funny but I’m not looking to date you or hook up. It’s hard being alone out here and I just want to have some friends close by. Nothing more and nothing less. (yeah, that was the longest text message in history!)

It took him a little while to respond but he said that he was really sorry about the whole thing. He started out just joking with the Interrogator egging him on and he was surprised that I took them seriously (which I totally didn’t at first…not sure how things got so twisted). He said he didn’t mean to upset me and he doesn’t think anything bad about me, it was just playing that seemed to get out of hand but not to worry, we’re cool. I feel a little better about it now but I’m still keeping my distance from the Interrogator.

I’m really ready for my grownup weekend now. With everything going on this summer, I’ve had a hard time staying on top of work. My boss has been incredibly understanding…my bank, not so much. Now that school’s back in, I’m having a hard time getting back on a routine. Somehow I haven’t been working like I should OR sleeping and I’m just wiped out. Part of me wants to spend this weekend completely alone working and getting some stuff unpacked here and just being alone but part of me wants to leave reality behind and have some fun. Of course, I have no idea what that means but I’m pretty sure it involves something self-destructive that will have me feeling like Hell on Monday.

The Interrogator and the Drummer invited me to a very exclusive party with the band at the lake this weekend but I’m not really up for that. The Other Guy says we should “do something fun” for a change of pace but I have no idea what that means. Fireman’s friend is doing a solo show in Atlanta on Friday night and I’d love to go to that but don’t want any tension with Fireman. Cop Cousin’s been on me to come down there for a weekend and hang out but I owe him money for getting me some concert tickets for October and I can’t pay him right now so I keep putting off seeing him. It’s kind of a weird feeling…more than anything, I don’t want to be alone but there’s no one in the world that I want to be not alone with.

I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or wring Squirt’s neck this morning. That child is going to be the death of me, I swear! He’s way too sensitive and perceptive for anyone’s good and lacks the social maturity to understand the things that he picks up on but he also lacks a filter between his brain and his mouth! We were at the bus stop this morning and Drummer’s son was talking about missing the bus yesterday. I didn’t know what time Drummer left for work so I asked him how he got to school. He said his dad had to go in late to take him and that he was kind of mad. I told him to let his dad know that if he ever needs a ride, just to call me and I’ll be happy to help out (this was before I talked to Drummer). The kid smiled and said he would tell his dad. This little boy is shy like his dad but he’s about the sweetest little guy I’ve ever met. He’s been through a lot…he was only 3 when his mother killed herself. Anyway, from the first night we met them, he seemed to really like me for some reason. So he said he’d tell his dad that I offered and Squirt leaned over and whispered in his ear “I think my mom likes your dad. You know, my dad doesn’t live with us anymore and he’s never going to live with us again so my mom can marry someone else if she likes them.” Mortified doesn’t even begin to describe it! The thing is, I have NO IDEA where that came from except that the other night, we went for a walk and the boys wanted to go to the back of the neighborhood where some other little boys live. We went that way and when I said it was time to leave they fussed because they wanted to stay longer. They said they didn’t want to walk “to the stop sign” that night, they just wanted to play and then go home. I told them I wanted to walk to the stop sign because I wanted the exercise and that we’d visited their friends for a little while so now we could go visit my friends for a little while. That’s the only thing I can think of that I’ve ever said to them or around them about Drummer and Interrogator.

Oh and the other night, we were driving home from Mom’s house and passed by a church. Squirt explained to Pork Chop that people get married in churches and Pork Chop asked why no one was getting married there then. Squirt thought for a minute and said “I think it’s because everyone in this country is already married. Except for Mommy…she’s the only one that’s not married.” Nice. I really do wonder where some of the stuff in his head comes from.

In Squirt’s class the other day, they were writing about their families. Squirt told his teacher that Mommy and Daddy can’t be married anymore because Daddy told Mommy to shut up and it made him cry so Daddy left. He used to talk a lot about when Daddy lived with us or when we all moved out of our old house. Lately, he talks all the time about when Daddy left. It’s a subtle thing, but in the past, he always referred to it as a joint decision. Daddy and I couldn’t be married anymore. Daddy and I couldn’t live together anymore. That’s always the way I’ve presented it to him…not placing blame on either side. His dad has always told him that *I* didn’t want to be married anymore. All of a sudden though, he seems to be putting the full responsibility on his dad…Daddy left us. Daddy moved out. In a way, it makes me feel good that he’s really seeing what happened but I still try to avoid placing the blame and keep the grownup stuff between grownups.

Pork Chop was only a year old when we separated. He doesn’t remember anything about it. Squirt was telling him the other day that Daddy used to live with us but then he left. Pork Chop asked “Did Mommy leave too?” Squirt told him no, I’d never leave. I can’t leave because I have to take care of them. It made me feel good and want to cry all at the same time. I hope he knows that I’d never leave period. Not just that I can’t, but I wouldn’t even if I could.

The good life!

Mom came over today to sit with the boys while I (supposedly) finished up at the apartment. As soon as they woke up this morning, they wanted to go play outside. I’m so happy because Squirt’s kind of getting fat so I’m hoping he’ll get more exercise here. I went to the garage to get them some bubbles and balls and they found some little plastic pails and shovels. I didn’t figure they could do much damage with those so I told them it was fine. A few minutes later, Squirt came running up to the back door yelling that he needed a brush. Mom and I were both confused until he explained that his shovel had hit something hard and he was pretty sure it was a dinosaur bone but real paleontologists use brushes so they don’t break the bones. Guess I need to add paintbrushes to my shopping list. Too bad I threw out the drawer full of old toothbrushes they had stashed away at the apartment (I still have no idea what they did with the toothbrushes but they were always hiding them from me and I finally found them in the move!) Anyway, the look on his face was priceless…he was so excited and truly believed he’d found a fossil. I’ve never understood the concept of tears of joy but I really did get choked up and teary watching him run back to the yard and the two of them carefully scraping the red clay away from their bone (which turned out to be a rock but they didn’t give up…when I got home this afternoon, the back yard was full of little holes). Nevermind the broken air conditioner (which has now progressed to a steady trickle of water from the ceiling!) or money troubles or Ex troubles or stiff joints and sore muscles or too much work and not enough time or any of it. We’re going to be alright. The boys weren’t worried about hearing their dad yell at me this weekend or the fact that they know he doesn’t want them around or leaving their home and friends…they were so happy digging for fossils in their own back yard.

It’s still bittersweet because I wish I had someone to share these moments with. I wish this were OUR house with the white picket fence and the whole package. But it’s comforting that *I* did this. *I* am the one working things out and they know it. *I* will survive.

This is your life, welcome to it!

Me: Listen, guys…we need to talk and I need you to be big boys for a minute and be serious.

Pork Chop: Awww…

Squirt: Come on…we can do this…it’s just for a minute. Let’s see what she’s got to say…it might be good.

Me: Do you like it when I yell and raise my voice? Does that make you happy or sad?

Boys: (Tickling each other and making silly faces) No, sir! I mean ma’am…not happy!

Me: Good. It makes me sad when I have to yell at you. What do you think we can do about that so I don’t yell any more?

Squirt: Hmmm…(with his thinking face on)…I know! You can just spank us till juice squirts out the very first time we misbehave! Editorial note: I SWEAR I do not beat my children and I have certainly never even threatened to spank them till juice squirts out!

Pork Chop: (across the room playing with Buzz Lightyear, looks up a little confused, shrugs, and goes back to playing)

Me: Hmmm…I guess I could do that but do you like it when I spank you? Does that make you happy? Cause it makes me really sad.

Squirt: Yeah, it makes me sad too. Remember that one time when you spanked me and I started to scream and all of a sudden I told you “Hey, that tickles!” and you got REALLY mad? Nah, I don’t like it when you spank us either.

Me: Ok Good. Now we’re getting somewhere. So what do you think we can do so that I don’t yell at you AND don’t spank you?

Squirt: (gets really quiet for what seems like an hour and then takes a running leap and jumps on me) Give you LOTS and LOTS of kisses!!!

This, folks, is my life. And of course, I was fixing their beds while they used the restroom and I happened to walk in on them sword-fighting over the toilet so I’m pretty sure I didn’t get through to them AT ALL. It’s a good thing they’re so damn cute because if they weren’t, I’d have sent them back for a refund years ago!

Craziness

I’ve been meaning to post an update ever since I made that whiny self-pitying post on Christmas Eve. Things have just been so crazy.

Christmas wound up being ok. I sat up all night Christmas Eve wrapping gifts, catching up on DVR, and drinking a little bit (not as much as I expected!). I slept till about 11 Christmas morning. When I hadn’t heard from Ex by 11:30 (he was supposed to have the kids home by noon), I texted him and asked him if he was bringing them home AT NOON or if I needed to come get them AT NOON. Hint hint hint. He said if I wanted them at noon I’d have to come get them. I was hoping he wouldn’t do anything stupid when he said that.

I got over to his house right at noon and when I knocked on the door, Her mother answered the door. I’ve seen some things this woman has posted about me on FB (apparently she’s not smart enough to realize there are two sides to every story and his version makes no sense at all!) and it appears that she was encouraging him to divorce me before we even separated. Yeah, I’m thrilled to see that this woman got to spend Christmas morning with my kids instead of me! Oh well, I guess these are the things divorced mothers have to learn to suck up. At least the mother lives 4 hours away so the kids won’t be around her very often and from what I can tell, the girlfriend herself is much more discreet around the kids.

I kind of felt guilty making the kids leave when I did. When he proposed that the handoff happen at noon, I fussed that it wasn’t fair to the kids because it meant they just had to open presents and run. I wanted them to be able to enjoy Christmas day without all the running around and tension. He insisted that it should be noon and I caved. So now this year I felt like I should hold him to the agreement that he fought for. I could have let the kids stay at his house later but I was selfish and wanted them home to have our Christmas. So I’m human. (Besides that, any time I offer him extra time with the kids, he twists that around to I’m “dumping” the kids on him or don’t want them myself.)

This part is going to sound like whining but you have to know that I’m laughing and rolling my eyes when I write it. I’m really not upset about it…I think it’s hilarious. When I walked in to get the kids, Squirt came running up to show me his new video game then immediately started crying that it’s too hard and he hates it. (Yes, I’m working on teaching him to accept gifts a little more gracefully!) Pork Chop came running over to show me his new video game. After Ex told me he wasn’t going to get it for him, I juggled some money around and spent most of the day fighting the Walmart Christmas crowd to buy one and some games to go with it. Well, I guess Ex changed his mind and decided to buy it…but all he could find was a pink/purple one so he got that…and no games to go in it. I asked him if he had the box so I could return it and let Pork Chop have the green one I bought but he said the box was ripped up and I should just give that one to a little girl we know. I really thought he was going to cry…he was so bummed about both of the games. I felt sorry for him…he actually tried to do something nice and it bombed. I’ve certainly been there enough times!

When we got home and the boys started opening their gifts here, half the stuff Squirt opened he told me he already had. When I unpacked the stuff from their dad’s house, I figured it out. MIL had e-mailed me a couple of weeks ago asking what the boys “need” for Christmas. I was nice about it but made it very clear that they have everything they need….one of their parents takes care of their needs! I did make several suggestions for appropriate gifts but I also told her several things that my parents and I had already gotten them. For instance, I told her that they like board games that we can all play together but we’ve already got Memory, Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, and Hi-Ho Cherry-o. Squirt really wants Hungry Hungry Hippos so that would be a good one for her to get and anything else that Pork Chop can play without much help. What did she buy for them? Memory, Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, and Hi-Ho Cherry-o. I told her they wanted Transformers so I got these specific ones for them. She bought the same ones I had already gotten. Bitch. Like I said, I’m really not mad about it though…I find her immaturity amusing. And now I get to take all those gifts back and swap them for something better. It’s better than if she had just gotten something completely inappropriate that we were stuck with. And hey, this is the first time since the kids were born that either MIL or SIL didn’t buy the boys musical instruments for Christmas!

The boys didn’t seem to mind all the duplicate gifts. I just told them we’ll take them back to the store and swap them for something new. The thing is, they got so freaking much that they don’t need any more! I’ll probably wind up returning most of the duplicates for gift cards that I can use later for things they really need. When I was getting ready for Christmas, I found a huge bag of birthday gifts that I had put up to pull out later and forgot about! I’m hoping Ex actually takes them this weekend so I can go through their toyboxes and purge to make room for the new Christmas stuff. I would have them help but Squirt really doesn’t get the point. He always picks his favorite toys to give away and then for some reason wants to hang on to the crap happy meal toys and all.

As much as I wanted to hate the video game that Ex got for Squirt, after they went to bed on Christmas night, I hooked it up to the computer and played with the options for customizing the games. Turns out, it’s actually pretty cool. I downloaded the free game that came with it (not the violent one I had read about) and customized the math questions for that one and the Spongebob game they bought. I set both games up for 1st grade skills. For Squirt, I set it to ask addition questions 0-10. For Pork Chop’s profile, I set it to 1st grade geometry, 2-D shapes so it pretty much just asks him to identify shapes, how many sides a shape has, etc. Yesterday, I noticed that the game started asking Squirt subtraction questions. I thought I had accidentally selected that so I hooked the game back to the computer to check. It told me that he had mastered the addition learning objective I’d chosen so it automatically added in the simplest subtraction objective and addition up to 19. COOL! And once I got the questions in there that Squirt can handle, he loves it. I wound up ordering him two more games to go with it. They’re both reading games and you can put in your own spelling lists so I’ll put his sight words in there. No more fighting over practicing sight words! Two of the games that I got for Pork Chop’s Leapster are K-3rd grade games. Believe it or not, the boys have been taking turns with both games and Squirt likes the Leapster just as much as his Didj. I was afraid that he might think the Leapster was a “baby” game but he goes back and forth between the two. He even asked if he could keep the pink leapster for himself instead of me returning it. Pork Chop likes playing the Spongebob game on the Didj as much as the Leapster. I was really nice the other night and called Ex to let him know that both games turned out to be a good choice and the boys love them. Obviously he didn’t really want to talk to me, but I think it made him feel a little better.

So anyway, it turned out to be a good Christmas. My parents got me a stand mixer I’ve been wanting. FG said he knows what he’s going to get me but he ran out of money so I’ll get my gift this weekend when he gets paid again. I have an idea what it might be but I’m not sure. I’ve had an Adam and Eve gift card for a while that I haven’t used so I bought myself a Christmas present. 😉

Now I’ve just got to get my apartment back to normal and get everyone back on some kind of routine and get back to saving up for our trip to Florida in February. I decided to take the boys and go visit my cousin in Orlando the week they’re out of school for winter break. FG and his sister are also going to Disney with some friends that same week which should prove interesting. If nothing else, I’ll get some practice at enforcing boundaries!