Sometimes I really hate being alone

Sometimes I really hate being alone and this is one of those times. I assure you I’m not one of *those* parents…I have two boys and boys get booboos. Squirt will tell you right quick that booboos make you strong and he has the muscles to prove it. At school, there were some parents that they hated to call when the kids got hurt but I wasn’t one of those. If they told me my boys had an accident, I’d ask them if it was serious and if it wasn’t, I’d shrug it off. Things happen.

Tonight I was in the kitchen doing dishes while the boys had a bedtime snack. Squirt came to get some more drink and was dancing around and cutting up and tripped over the dishwasher door banging his head on the refrigerator. Honestly, I didn’t pay too much attention…the first thing I said was “That’s what you get for goofing off in the kitchen!” He just laid there for a minute and then finally started crying. At first I thought the delayed reaction was a sign that he wasn’t really hurt, just trying to figure out how to get himself out of trouble. I handed him an ice pack and sent him on his way. He is a drama queen and I was sure he was just crying to get attention.

A few minutes later, he came running in the kitchen and told me to feel the bump on his head. When I looked, sure enough he had a long cut and a knot the size of a ping-pong ball on the back of his head. At that point I freaked out a little, but not really. I just told him to keep the ice on it and settle down. A minute later, I looked, and he was asleep sitting straight up. I woke him up, checked his pupils, and just kept watching him. Every time I turned my back, he fell asleep.

I called the doctor and she said as long as his pupils were the same size and he wasn’t throwing up that it was probably ok, just to keep him awake for an hour and watch him. Well, the hour passed but keeping him awake was no easy task. It freaks me out because he shouldn’t be that tired. After a little while, he told me that his stomach hurt like he was going to throw up but he never did. He also said that he heard a loud noise in his ears (ears ringing?) and that he just feels “strange”. I sent him to the bathroom before letting him lay down and he was kind of staggering and not walking straight, but if he’s really sleepy, that could explain that.

I called the doctor back and she said he’s probably just tired because it’s so late and that he might have hit his head hard enough to shake him up a little but that she doesn’t think it’s serious. Normally, I’d agree with her, but being here alone, it freaks me out a little. And, no, it’s not late enough for him to be that tired…I was fully prepared for him to be up all night tonight.

So what are my options? The urgent care place is already closed and I DESPISE the ER at County General. Trekking two preschoolers up there in the middle of the night is not even an option. Of course, I could call Ex and see if I could drop Pork Chop off over there while I take Squirt to the ER…I’m sure that would go over well. I could call my mom but again… And then there’s the money. Ex has to provide health insurance for the boys but dumba$$ got the cheapest plan they offer and it’s already maxed out for the year (I’ve taken the boys to the doctor twice!) So if we go to the ER, it’s all out of pocket. Not that any of that would matter if I really thought he was hurt, I just hate having to be the one to make the call. I wish I had someone else here with me to say yes, his eyes look normal, let’s just watch him or no, you’re not crazy, he’s acting strange let’s take him in.

And of course the Natasha Richardson and Billy Mays headlines don’t help any. Head injuries are scarier than usual right now anyway. I trust his doctor (I’m so glad she was the one on call tonight because I would be far less comfortable talking to a nurse or one of the other docs) and she knows me so she knows I don’t scare easily. Still, she can’t see the way he’s acting…I just wish there was someone else here to help me decide how far “off” he is.

A wonderful day

Today was a good day. Actually, all in all, it’s been a really nice weekend.

FG brought his niece and nephew over Friday night to go swimming and we had a lot of fun. At one point, the sun had set and it was getting a little chilly. He and I were both exhausted from throwing the kids in the water, chasing them around the pool, playing shark, etc. The kids, of course, were not the least bit tired. He and I wound up sitting on the steps of the pool, barely in the warm water. I was shivering so he held me with his arms around me and we watched the kids playing. I could have sat there like that all night but alas, the kids had other plans.

Sitting there like that, everything seemed so perfect. I couldn’t help the feeling that this is what my life was supposed to be like. It’s hard to explain. All four kids had been being kids all evening but we were both taking care of it. I’m as comfortable dealing with his kids as I am mine and he’s as comfortable with my kids as his. His niece is still a little jealous of me but for the most part, I’ve won her over. For the first time since my children were born, I actually felt like I had a partner…between the two of us, we had four kids, but I had a partner. So sitting there on the steps, with his arms around me, watching the kids play, it just felt so right.

Of course, they had to leave and I was struck by the reality of being alone to get my children wound down and into bed, and of course the loneliness when it was time for me to go to bed alone. But for a few hours, I had a glimpse of what my life was supposed to be like.

I wrote about yesterday. Today, Ex took the boys. He finally acquiessed to keeping them an hour later than he wanted so that I could go to the wedding shower alone. It wouldn’t have bothered me to take them with me, but it was nice to have adult conversation without having to worry about them. I hate to say this, but it was nice to have a conversation where people were paying attention to what I was saying instead of having all the focus on the kids. That doesn’t sound right, but maybe you know what I mean.

When I picked the boys up, FG came over and took us out to dinner. The plan was to come back and go swimming to wear the boys out and then have some grownup time after they went to bed. The restaurant was totally screwed up and we wound up waiting 2 hours for our “quick” dinner so it was too late to go swimming. We wound up coming back and giving the boys a shower and then snuggling up on the couch, all four of us, and watching a movie before bed. After the boys went to bed, we had a couple of hours alone. Again, it just felt so right. And again, I was struck by the emptiness when he left.

For weeks we’ve been planning for the 4th of July. I knew it was Ex’s weekend, but when was the last time he took them overnight? FG is going to Alabama on Friday to buy fireworks (they’re illegal here so you have to go to either SC or AL to get them!) and we’re supposed to be having a cookout/pool party at his sister’s house on Saturday and shoot off fireworks after dark. We’ve been planning it for a while and the boys are really looking forward to it.

FG was driving me nuts this afternoon asking me if Ex was going to try to get the boys next weekend so I finally agreed to ask him. When I picked them up, I asked him if he had any plans for next weekend. He hemmed and hawed a bit so I asked him if he had plans that included the boys. He INFORMED me that he will be picking the boys up Saturday morning and going to his parents’ house. They live on a lake about 90 miles south of here and there’s a big fireworks show over the lake every year. I asked him if he was going to keep them overnight and he said probably not. EXCUSE ME!?!! It’s getting dark, what 9:00? 9:30? So the fireworks show will be over around 10:30. Then drive an hour and a half back here and return the boys at what…midnight? I don’t think so! Whether I have plans or not is irrelevant…that’s just ridiculous! I didn’t argue with him in front of the boys, I just told him to let me know as soon as possible what the final plan is and if I haven’t heard from him by Wednesday, I’m going to assume he changed his mind. Of course, he apparently spent the day telling the boys that they’re going to their grandparents’ house next weekend. They’ve been asking me when they can go to the lake again and I know they’ll enjoy the fireworks show down there so that part of it isn’t really a big deal, but not wanting them to spend the night is.

I think I’ve been more than reasonable about all of this. I’m fairly sure that he’ll decide to keep the boys overnight and ask me to get them early Sunday morning. If he doesn’t, then there’s going to be a fight. I have plans for the entire day Saturday…I can take the boys with me (as has been the plan all along) or he can keep them for the weekend like he’s supposed to, but he’s not bringing them back to me in the middle of the night! I hope he’ll decide to spend the night at his parents’ house but won’t that be cozy…him and Her and The Kid and my two boys all sharing the guest room. One big happy family! I’d love to be a fly on the wall to see how MIL handles having all three kids around. Especially if SIL, BIL, and the little prince are there too.

If he does keep them overnight, then I’ll still go to FG’s sister’s place and do that thing, then he can come back here and spend the night. It’s been so long…I wonder if I remember what to do? And then two weeks later is when my sister is taking the boys for the whole weekend. I’m sure I won’t know what to do with two grownup weekends in one month! Anyway, if he doesn’t want to keep them overnight, I’m just going to tell him he can’t have them at all. I hate doing that because (among the more noble reasons) it gives him ammunition to say that I’m keeping the boys away from him, blah blah blah. Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with that. I doubt he’d actually take me to court for visitation interference but in this case, I don’t think a judge in the world would fault me for finally standing up for myself.

I also found out today that my favorite cousin is coming up from FL in a couple of weeks. One of my cousins up here suggested that the boys and I just plan to spend the weekend at their house that weekend. His wife’s granddaughter will be in town so we’ll do the obligatory family stuff and then head back to their place to chill out. She said the kids can watch movies till they pass out and we can have grownup time. She wants me to bring FG but I’m not really sure about that. I’ll think about it, but I’m not sure what kind of message that will send to the boys. I think I’d rather leave him out of it for now. It will still be a fun change of scenery for us and a chance for me to catch up with family that I’ve been cut off from for the last 6 or 7 years. The only problem with that weekend is that it’s the weekend I was planning to do the boys’ birthday party. If we’re going to be tied up with family stuff, then it means that 7/11 is the only weekend left to do their party. Which means I’ve got to get busy because that’s two weeks away.

Oh yeah, and I also found out today that my other cousin just moved into the school district where I really want Squirt to go to school in the fall. I’ve got to call him tomorrow and see about maybe using his address to register Squirt. I’m a little nervous about that, but it’s better than the ghetto school in our neighborhood.

And now I’m off to bed…we’ve got a busy day week month ahead of us. Suddenly it seems crazy that summer is half over already. Looking at the calendar I made up for the boys, every day is full from now until school starts back…and that’s not even counting my to-do list with all the little things like registering for kindergarten! Woohoo!

Open mouth…insert foot…all the way up to the knee!

We had a birthday party for a friend of the boys today. The morning started off ok…I just wasn’t in the mood for it. I usually make gifts for all their friends, but like I said, everything non-essential has fallen away these days so I resigned myself to purchasing something. On the way to the party, we went by the Dollar Tree which my poor deprived (NOT!) boys refer to as “the toy store”. They were behaving pretty well…just excited about the party and Squirt was panicking because he was convinced that we were going to be late.

There’s a really stupid woman who works there. Every time I go in that store she’s bitching about something and sounding incredibly ignorant about it. I’ve never really had any problems with her before though. Mostly I just see her as a miserable bitter old woman and think I don’t ever want to turn out like that.

Well, as we were waiting to check out, Squirt started asking me what time it was and if we were going to be late to the party. I might have sounded a little exasperated when I told him we had plenty of time and to just chill out. This stupid woman looked at me and said “Yeah mom…sometimes you really should leave the kids at home with Dad while you do your shopping.”

Now forget about the 500 things I would have liked to say to her at that moment…what popped out of my mouth was “Well these two don’t have a dad so I don’t really have that choice now do I?!?!?” Before I even realized I had said it out loud, Squirt, who hadn’t listened to anything I’d said all morning went into a total meltdown. He just went off on me yelling that they do too have a dad. I tried to be as sensitive as I could and apologized and explained that I meant they don’t have a dad that lives with us but I knew the damage was done and I’d give anything to take it back.

As if what I said wasn’t bad enough, while I was apologizing, the stupid woman behind the counter told him that she knew what I meant and proceeded to let off a stream of expletives about men the likes of which I’ve never heard. Now, I cuss like a sailor (I try to keep it under control in front of the kids) and I was embarrassed by her tirade. Heaven help her if either of my kids repeats even one of those words she used!!

I beat myself up about speaking without thinking the whole way to the birthday party. The kids had a good time, it was just hot and exhausting. I was hoping that FG was coming over tonight. I really wanted to get a sitter and have a real date but I couldn’t find anyone so the plan was to go out to dinner and then put the kids to bed early and have a living room date. By the time we left the party, it was dinnertime already and apparently FG’s nephew kept him up all night and he’d been running around with them all day so he had a headache. I’m exhausted anyway so I took a raincheck…hopefully we can do something tomorrow. Tomorrow will be crazier because the boys will be with their dad for a little while and I’m still not sure if I’ll be taking them to the wedding shower with me or not but an afternoon with my family is always fun. At any rate, I should be ready to snuggle up and chill out by tomorrow evening.

It’s 8:00 now and Squirt’s already asleep. Pork Chop is well on his way. I’m not far behind. Maybe I’ll have sweet dreams about that ever-illusive date…

Kids say the darndest things

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve blogged. I’m managing to keep my head above water but everything extra has fallen by the wayside. I’ll get caught up eventually. In the meantime, I’m settling into the SAHM thing…by the time school starts in the fall I will have really found my groove!

Ex didn’t see the boys on Father’s Day. No great surprise there. What a doofus! He didn’t even answer the phone when they tried to call him. It breaks my heart when I see father’s like David Goldman and others who are fighting for access to their kids and this *$%$%## doesn’t realize how good he has it and what he’s missing out on.

Today we were at the car dealership getting some maintenance done. There was a woman in the waiting room with a newborn. We were chatting as we waited. Turns out she’s 48 and single and just had her baby by IVF with a sperm donor. She was really cute…I think she has the “What to Expect” books memorized. It was kind of funny.

Anyway, as we were chatting, she started talking to the boys about the zoo and the subject of snakes came up. Ex used to have a python…I think Squirt was about 2 at the time. He was telling this woman all about our pet snake, “Bite”. As we were talking, I said something like Bite went to live in a new house, then Daddy went to live in a new house, then we went to live in a new house. Without missing a beat, Squirt answered “Yeah, Bite got a new house then Daddy got a new house…I sure do miss Bite!” We all got quiet and the woman’s eyes got big. I just said “Alrighty then.” She kind of giggled and said “Yeah, I caught that too.” It loses something in the translation but when he said it, I just about fell out of my chair.

He said he wanted to take them this Sunday from whenever they wake up till 5. I told him I’ve got a wedding shower about an hour and a half away and won’t be back till 5:30 or 6. So he said he’d get them on Saturday. I told him they have a birthday party Saturday afternoon that they’re really looking forward to but he’s welcome to take them to that. So he said he’ll probably just wait till next weekend. After all, keeping them an extra 30-60 minutes on Sunday would be way too much trouble! It’s not like he’s got anything to do…She’ll have his car at work…it’s just cutting into his drinking time and it means an extra hour that he has them alone…without her there. Whatever!

I’m really excited though because my sister wants to take them for a whole weekend in July. She’s got a friend coming in from out of town that has a little boy Squirt’s age. They’re going to a baseball game Friday night and Stone Mountain/Laser Show Saturday. They’ve never spent the night with her and I’m a little skeptical about that but I’ll have an entire weekend to myself! I still feel guilty being excited about that, but I’m only human.

And now we’re off to the pool…the fun just never stops! By the way, both boys are swimming now. There was a 7 year old girl there (with her very cute single dad!) the other day and apparently Squirt’s testosterone kicked in because he was showing off for her. As soon as he loosened up in the water, Pork Chop had to follow suit. We’ve been at the pool several hours a day ever since then. No more single dad though…:( Which brings up this whole really weird line of thinking about FG but no time to go into that right now.

A parent’s worst nightmare

OK, now that I’ve got your attention, they’re both ok…not so sure about me!

We had a family cookout this evening. It was kind of awkward. One of my uncles (my aunt’s ex-husband) died last week so her sons who live in NY and CA were in town. To be perfectly honest, I’m 33 and don’t remember the last time both of her sons were in town at the same time so this was kind of a big deal. She had a cookout at her house this evening to celebrate the entire family being together again.

Let me just say I HATE family get-togethers. I actually like these two cousins that were in town today….probably in large part because they live far away and I never see them. Still, I had to go. It was one of those things.

Today was “one of those days”. Every time I looked at Squirt the wrong way, he ran into his room screaming “I hate you! I want my Da-da!” Of course, every time I sent him to his room, he sat in front of me screaming “I don’t like my room! It’s scary in there! I hate you! I want my Da-da!” By lunchtime he’d had two spankings which is HIGHLY unusual but I was just at the end of my rope and he seemed to want to push me farther. Actually, once, I asked him what he thought I should do about his misbehavior and he said I should spank him. The other time, he was taunting me “You said you’d spank me…I did it again!” I didn’t beat him…it was just a pop on the backside to get his attention…and it worked for a bit…but I HATE spanking him. It was tempting to tell him we just wouldn’t go to the shindig this afternoon but I hoped that since my mom and sister would be there, I might get a few minutes of relative solitude. Staying home would have been worse punishment for me.

Of course, as soon as we got to the cookout, the kids started getting in the pool. Now, there’s something you should know about my boys. Last summer, they begged me daily to take them to the pool but when we got there, they were both hesitant to get in. Squirt usually only took a few minutes to warm up to it. Pork Chop was a different story. I’d have to hold him, kicking and screaming, in the water for a while until he got comfortable. Eventually, he’d be fine, but when we first got there, forget it. Toward the end of last summer, we had a little incident with Squirt. I was at the pool with both of them (I had a friend and her two kids with us) and Squirt took off his “water wings” when we weren’t looking. Pork Chop saw a toy in the deep end of the pool and went after it so my friend and I both went after him. When I got him away from the edge and looked for Squirt, he was bobbing up and down choking with no “floaties”. I pulled him out and he threw up a few times, cried for a while, and eventually got back in the water. We went to the pool several times after that and I thought all was well.

Well, this summer, the boys constantly beg me to go to the pool, but everytime we do, Squirt talks about last summer when he “drowned” and won’t get in past his knees. Pork Chop won’t have anything to do with the water at all this summer. FG and I have done our best but they both want to go to the pool and play on the steps at best.

So today, I didn’t even bring my swim suit. I figured they wouldn’t get in the water anyway. For the longest time, they were playing on the steps and I was sitting in a lounge chair watching and chatting with my cousin’s wife. The water was really cloudy, even though they’ve tested it and it’s fine. It was so cloudy in fact, that you couldn’t see the steps. I have issues with water I can’t see the bottom of so I don’t think I’d have been able to get in there anyway.

Well, at one point, Pork Chop started getting really bold. He was all over that first step! In fact, my cousin and I were talking about the incident last year and she said that her grandaugther (4 years old – who was also in the pool) had done that too and now she’s really paranoid and stays close enough that she can jump in if need be.

Just about that time, wouldn’t you know it, Pork Chop apparently stepped off the step and went under. I dove from my chair, landed on my belly on the concrete (skinning both knees, ripping my t-shirt), and pulled him out. While I was hugging him (in my skirt and white t-shirt, of course!), he finally started to cry and I kept telling him it’s ok. Then one of my male cousins who had been watching from the deck, called down “Great job, Pork Chop! You did really good. You’re a natural!” Resisting the urge to smack the ever-loving crap out of him, I realized, this is what they mean by the difference between moms and dads. Moms coddle and baby their kids while dads tell them to “shake it off.” I’ve always prided myself on not being “one of *those* moms” but here I was. The thing is, he wasn’t choking or coughing…he instinctively knew to hold his breath when he went under. The only reason he was crying was because I freaked out. And of course Donna Jean the drama queen (aka Squirt…the daughter I never had!) was freaking out too. My cousin pointed out that not only did Pork Chop hold his breath, he was doing a fairly decent breast stroke for the few seconds that he was under.

If I had taken his hands and guided him back to the steps, he probably wouldnt have been fazed. But I was one of *those* moms who completly lost it. It took him about an hour before he’d even go near the water again but eventually he did. He never went past the top step again, but he didn’t seem to be scarred. I, on the other hand, was ready for a drink!

I’m embarrassed to say that while the boys were eating dinner with Grandma and their aunt (and newfound cousins) I went to the bathroom in relative peace. Actually, the embarrassing part is that I might have hidden in there for a few minutes more than was absolutely necessary. It was quiet and I was alone…for the first time in two weeks! Of course, when I came out, my aunt let me know that Squirt had been “paging” me…he had a splinter in his toe and was completely hysterical on the deck telling everyone that he was dying. Grandma just held him (no, I mean, she physically restrained him) and told him I’d be done in the bathroom in a minute. I guess that’s something…if we’d been at home he’d have been in the bathroom with me howling. But that meant that everyone in the family knew I was in the bathroom for a REEEAAALLLLY long time. Oops.

Ex texted this afternoon and said that he would get the boys tomorrow after all. I have mixed feelings about it but I so need the break and they need their dad. Squirt wanted to call him this afternoon and it turned into another one of those calls where he just went off on his dad about not being there for them. When he heard that The Kid is spending 3 weeks with his dad, he wanted to know why they don’t get to live with their dad sometimes. No great surprise…Ex suddenly had to go and I was left with the questions. I really am going to talk to him tomorrow…I’m just not sure what I’m going to say.

And now it’s my bedtime…what a day!