I did something ugly…

Tonight I did something ugly. When it didn’t work out the way I’d planned, I did something even uglier.

I’ve been trying REALLY hard to remove all emotion when dealing with Ex and just be professional about it. Let’s face it, I’ve worked with people I hate before…I’ve been professional with people who stabbed me in the back…I should be able to pull this off.

I don’t remember if I mentioned but Ex was supposed to be watching the boys this weekend for me to visit my friend in South GA. Last Sunday he changed his mind and said he’d have to check with Her. I tried not to let on that it mattered and just told him to let me know as soon as he could so I could let my friend know. He asked why I didn’t just take them with me. Yeah, the same guy that won’t take them 100 miles to visit their grandparents for the weekend wants to know why I won’t take them 400 miles to unload the van and turn around and drive 400 miles back. Whatever, I think I did a pretty good job of not letting on that I cared.

So letting me know as soon as he could apparently meant texting me Wednesday night and telling me that he can’t take them at all this weekend…not even for his Sunday visit. I texted back and told him he needed to call the boys and let them know but obviously that got no answer.

FG told me today that Ex was being really smug at work and I was pissed about some other things so tonight, when they asked if they were going to visit Daddy this weekend, I suggested that the boys call him (which I never do because he usually doesn’t answer the phone). Miracles never cease…this time he answered, but neither boy asked him about the visit!

When they gave me the phone, I asked him what was up with this weekend and he just said he couldn’t get them at all. I told him he needed to explain it to them because I shouldn’t have to. He hung up on me. Because you know that’s the mature adult way to handle something you don’t want to handle.

That’s when I did something even uglier. I texted him back and told him it might interest him to know that Squirt’s been saying his dad doesn’t like him and doesn’t want to see him. I told him I don’t know if that’s something The Kid has said or if Squirt just figured it out on his own but for his sake, I hope he has a damn good reason for cancelling on them again.

I immediately felt bad about dropping the bomb that way but what’s done is done. He texted back and said I need to quit using the kids against him. WTH!!?!?! I texted back and asked him how exactly I’m using the kids against him when it seems he’s the one who is intent on controlling my life with his erratic visits. Of course he didn’t answer that.

So as soon as we got off the phone, the boys started asking again if tomorrow is Sunday and whether they’re going to Daddy’s house. I didn’t even bother telling them to call him because I knew he wouldn’t answer and on the off chance that he did, he’d say I put them up to asking. I’ve just been telling them all night that tomorrow’s not Sunday and I don’t know when they’ll visit him again.

I’m going to try REEEEALLLY hard to go back to assuming he’s not going to call or visit and not trying to encourage him. When I did that before, he routinely went 3-4 weeks between calls and 6-8 weeks between visits which I why I started pushing him again. I wish he’d make up his mind and either step up or step off.

I got some bad news today about the kindergarten situation too. I have some serious decisions to make. How much do you want to bet that if I tried to move to a better school district, he’d raise holy Hell about me taking HIS kids away from him. Honestly though, that might be the best thing for all of us.

Confession

My poor children are hopeless. We know their father is a worthless waste of oxygen but I’m coming to the conclusion that I’m not much better for them.

Before we separated, I struggled with the whole firm but flexible thing. I didn’t want to be a “meanie” but I knew how important it was to have clear boundaries and I demanded certain standards of behavior.

When we separated, I was struggling emotionally and I expected a certain amount of acting out from them. Honestly, looking back, they handled it just fine in the beginning. Yes, there were hard questions and the occasional meltdown, but overall, they did much better than I expected. It was several months into the separation when things started falling apart.

I’ve talked a lot about Squirt’s issues at school and I still think a huge part of that was his teachers. I don’t have nearly the issues at home that they did and I think it’s a result of their “teaching style” and unclear boundaries and all of that. Still, I am noticing that my children are COMPLETELY different people than they were a year ago and I think a lot of it is my fault.

When we separated, I think I expected behavior problems and tried to overcompensate. Whether it was because I felt guilty or I didn’t want them to hate me or because I thought they had enough going on and wanted to cut them some slack or because I was just stretched too thin to deal with it all, I let a lot of things go that I shouldn’t have. I created the situation we have today.

Today’s been a really bad day all the way around. I’m PMS-ing which is always rough, I’m getting burnt out trying to keep up 5 different freelance writing jobs and sewing and babysitting and still coming up short on the bills. Oh and doing the SAHM thing…trying to take care of the kids AND do all these little part-time things to make money. I’m frustrated with Ex and still riding the emotional roller-coaster trying to deal with the reality of my life. And I’m still struggling to find a routine and some sense of normalcy in all of this. I’ve been trying to force myself to go to bed earlier and get the rest I need even if everything doesn’t get done, but last night was just crazy and I got no sleep. I had promised the boys that I would take them to the free movie this morning and then they were to go to Grandma’s for a couple of hours so I could run some errands (I had to tell her I had a job interview to get her to agree!)

After all was said and done, I wound up falling asleep about 5:30 a.m. and Pork Chop woke up at 6:00. I did go to bed earlier than that, but apparently something I ate didn’t agree with me so I had an upset stomach and couldn’t sleep. When it came time to go to the movie this morning, I just couldn’t do it so I told the boys we’ll go tomorrow and laid down on the couch to doze while they played (I’m sure you can imagine how well that went over).

So yeah, today’s been crazier than usual but still. Tonight, I had one of those moments where it was like I was outside myself watching. I heard myself yelling at Squirt, “If you do that one more time….” and then a few minutes later, “Didn’t I tell you that if you do that one more time…?” and then a few minutes later, “I’ve told you five times now that if you do that one more time….and you keep doing it!” Is it any wonder things are crazy around here? I finally put my foot down tonight with both of them and followed through on what I threatened (which thankfully for once wasn’t too unreasonable!) but the tantrums that followed were unreal. It’s after midnight and I think they’re both finally asleep…FINALLY…I think. The thing is, this is not the first time I’ve noticed myself doing it…giving one more chance after one more chance after one more chance. No wonder I’m stressed out and they don’t know what to do. The times when I notice it the most are times like today when I’m at the end of my rope anyway. Sometimes it’s because I say something in the heat of the moment that I really don’t want to follow through on, other times it’s because I’m just too tired to deal with the work that comes along with enforcing the rules. The bottom line is, they don’t believe a word I say and they have no reason to.

When I think about it, it’s not just the threats. I told them we’d go to the movies this morning and we didn’t. Sure, things happen and I have every intention of taking them tomorrow (for the record, I did take them to VBS at a friend’s church tonight so they got to do something fun) but I told them we’d do something and didn’t follow through. I realize that part of the reason Squirt nags so much is because I’ll sometimes tell him “Just a minute” and then get caught up in something else and forget. Not always, but enough that he feels justified in reminding me…every 10 seconds….which of course adds to my frustration. Add the fact that their dad rarely ever follows through on what he promises (or threatens) and it’s no wonder they don’t believe me. Then, when I make threats, I wind up trying to be nice and backing down. When I stand my ground and follow through on what I say, they seem genuinely hurt and they’re justified…they have no way of knowing which “one last chance” is really the last. I can talk to them about taking responsibility for their own choices all day long but the reality is, I’ve got to be consistent with the follow through…the first time, every time.

I guess realizing the problem is the first step, but I’ve got to get this under control if we’re to survive this summer, not to mention the next 16 years! I’ve got to figure out a way to be more careful about the promises (and threats) that I make and make absolutely sure that I can follow through come Hell or high water.

It’s just sad and scary to me to look at the changes in their behavior over the last year and then to realize that it’s primarily my fault. Squirt’s always been one to push the limits, that’s just who he is and he always will be. Pork Chop’s up to his eyes in terrible twos right now. I hope it’s not too late to make a change and fix this mess that I’ve created. I’d love to be able to blame it on Ex, but he’s not around enough to really make a difference. I’m afraid this one’s all on me. Yippee.

****

On a completely separate note, I was raised in church (non-denominational – church of Christ). I still have my faith and I consider myself a moral person, but I’m not so big on organized religion. I’ve struggled with this since Squirt was born because part of me feels like I want to teach him about religion and raise him that way but the other part of me just feels hypocritical doing it. My indecision has led to some interesting conversations! This afternoon, one of my neighbors saw me looking frazzled (truth be told, I think she heard me yelling at the boys) and she suggested that I bring them to VBS at her church tonight. It would mean 2 hours for me alone and give the kids a chance to play with other kids, do crafts, etc. I was torn, but I finally decided it wouldn’t hurt and it would be something fun for them (and did I mention TWO HOURS to myself?)

Well, both boys had a great time except for one little thing. It’s a Baptist church. Squirt (who knows a little bit about Jesus but not the whole story) learned tonight that Jesus got the crap beat out of him and the bad guys killed him and there was lots of blood. Apparently he saw a picture with lots of booboos and now he wants to know why those guys were so mean to Jesus and beat him up and killed him on the cross. And what does it mean to be “washed in the blood” and that Jesus’ blood washes away our sins? Oh, and Squirt’s been exposed to death a few times in the past year and so far, we’ve gone with the explanation that so-and-so has gone to live in Heaven now. It seemed to be enough of an explanation for him so it was good enough for me. Well, someone said something tonight about wanting all the children to go to Heaven and Squirt completely freaked out. Actually, I’m wondering if that’s not part of the reason he’s been particularly out of sorts since we got home. Mama’s gonna have some ‘splaning to do tomorrow. The evil side of me wishes I’d had a video camera when they said that about wanting all of us to go to Heaven!

Of course everyone at the church made a big deal about all the kids coming back for the rest of the week so the boys know it’s still going on and they both said they wanted to go back tomorrow. The truth is, every time I’ve taken them to Sunday School they’ve loved it…I’m the one that gets irritated with the adults and refuses to go back. So I have some thinking to do. I could probably offer to take them to the pool tomorrow evening and ease the blow of not going back to VBS, but is it really that big of a deal? I mean, I’m sure I had the same questions when I was a kid and they’re going to learn about this stuff eventually. So far, when we’ve had religious discussions, I’ve just presented it as “Some people believe….” Even with death, I’ve told Squirt that no one really knows what happens when you die but some people believe you go to live in Heaven and that makes them feel better and not miss the person so much. When he’s asked me what I believe, I tell him it’s a very personal thing and he has to decide for himself what he believes. I feel somewhat guilty about that, but it’s the best I can do right now. I’d feel guilty indoctrinating him into an organized religion that I have issues with and I’d feel guilty telling him there’s nothing out there.

This of course brings up some other issues. I have MAJOR issues with the public schools here which I’ve discussed a little bit before. The superintendent of our school system is a long-time freind of my family and his wife homeschools their five children. Does that tell you anything about our public schools? Anyway, I REALLY wanted the boys in the Montessori school, but in the end, I was really glad to get them out of there. So I’m left with the options of religious schools (there are a couple of Catholic schools around here that are good and some Baptist schools that are good), public schools, or homeschooling. As much as I like the theory of homeschooling, I just don’t think it would work for Squirt and me. That will be yet another failure in my life…we’re just not the right match to pull it off. My buddy the superintendent assures me that Squirt will do fine in public schools because I’ll be an involved parent (and yet he still didn’t send his five kids?) but I’m not buying it. Based on what he picked up in public Pre-K, I’d give my right arm to keep him out of public school! So that leaves the religious schools. A couple of the really good ones around here have decent financial aid so I have considered sending him to a Baptist school. I just don’t know. Oh, and the director of the Montessori school told me the other day that they got a grant so I could enroll my boys there on a scholarship. But the reason we left there was the run-in with the owner’s husband and I’m not sure I’m ready to overlook that yet. I have 7 weeks left to decide. The point was, I’d been considering a Baptist school…after tonight, I’m not so sure that’s the route I want to go.

I’m trying to get enough done tonight that I can devote tomorrow entirely to mothering (although now it’s after 1:00a.m. so that’s not looking too promising) so I guess we’ll see how the conversations go and decide about VBS from there. Ex was raised Baptist but is completely opposed to organized religion now. He’s somewhere between an atheist and a Dieist these days but he’s never expressed any interest at all in what I teach the boys.

Interesting note, FG was raised Catholic but has not been to church in years. His mother is still VERY Catholic and has offered to take my boys to church with her…she’s told him that WHEN we get married, it will be his responsibilty to make sure my boys are raised Catholic. He and I have discussed it at great length and he is very clear on the fact that I will not convert and my boys (and any future children) WILL NOT be raised Catholic. It’s not an issue for him. His mom adores me, but every once in a while she gives me that look and I know he’s told her that I have no interest in converting or raising my boys that way. Nothing can ever be easy.

And there’s no such thing as two hours of FREE babysitting.

Father of the Year

I took the boys to the doctor yesterday because Squirt’s having some problems with his ears. There was a problem with the insurance so I had to call Ex about that from the doctor’s office. He never asked why the boys were at the doctor and he never called last night to check on them. Still, I didn’t want him to be able to say that I didn’t tell him about a medical issue so I called him tonight to explain.

While I had him on the phone, I asked if he was planning to get the boys on Sunday and he thought about it for a minute and said yeah, he guesses he can do that. WTF?!! The whole point of this every Sunday thing is it was supposed to be something that he can stick to 100% every time. Anyway! I probably shouldn’t have, but I decided to give him a heads up and told him that Squirt was asking questions about him and Her last night and mentioned that The Kid told him they were getting married. I tried to make it very clear that I was not fishing for information…I just relayed the whole conversation, told him how I answered the questions, and told him to be prepared in case Squirt brings it up on Sunday. He just said yeah, that he told The Kid not to say anything to the boys about them getting married. WHAT!?!!? He didn’t confirm or deny that that’s on the table, just that he told him not to mention it to the boys. Of course, he refused to tell the boys that he was living with Her and The Kid until the first time they came over and saw for themselves. Oh yeah, and he was married before me but his mother still doesn’t know about that (it was a Jerry Springer thing). So it totally wouldn’t surprise me to find out that they’re getting married (or did already) and he just doesn’t want me and the boys to know.

I honestly don’t think he’ll marry Her unless he sees a legal or financial benefit to it, but if he’s thinking about it, why not be honest with them? Squirt’s been asking me for the last year if I’m going to marry FG (and every other guy he sees me talking to). I just try to be honest with him. FG is our friend, he cares about us and enjoys being a part of our lives. I don’t have any plans to marry him, but nobody knows what will happen in the future. The most important thing is to know that whether I ever get married again or not, I will always love you and I will always be your mommy and that’s never going to change. How hard would it be for their dad to tell them the same thing? Especially given that I’ve told him repeatedly that that’s how I answer those questions. But no, he’d rather tell them “We’re not going to talk about this. Hey, Kid, I told you not to say anything about it!” So now Squirt not only has some very legitimate questions about what’s going on, but he also thinks that his dad is telling The Kid secrets that he’s not supposed to know. What a freaking dumbass!!!

And you know, considering that The Kid told Squirt that I’m going to die and he’ll be all alone and there will be no one to take care of him and now he’s told him that their dad and his mom are getting married, I’m wondering if he’s been telling them that their dad doesn’t want to see them. Squirt has complained several times about The Kid not wanting to share his toys, not wanting to play with them because they’re “babies”, and just generally being mean and unwelcoming to them (which I can totally understand and don’t fault him at all…it’s the grownups in the situation who need to be more sensitive!) He’s told me all kinds of crazy stuff that The Kid says to them about all kinds of things. I would not be surprised at all if he was telling them that their dad doesn’t want them around. Not that they need anyone to paint them a picture…I mean, they can figure it out for themselves…but I can’t help wondering if he’s said something like that. The thing is, I can keep them from going over there overnight, but I can’t keep them from being around The Kid during the day. And apparently their dad knows it’s going on and doesn’t care. He doesn’t even care enough to give me a heads up! He knew when The Kid told Squirt that I was going to die but he didn’t mention it to me. It was only after several nights of him waking up in the middle of the night crying that he finally told me what The Kid had said and I called Ex. He just grunted and said “Yeah, The Kid’s got issues. I told him not to say that anymore.” Now he knew about the marriage comments and didn’t see fit to warn me about that either. Squirt hasn’t seen The Kid for nearly 3 weeks so he’s been thinking about this and wondering about it all this time and then I get blindsided by it. But I’m the one that doesn’t want to coparent. Freaking dumbass!!

I feel better now.

Is Daddy getting married?

Hell if I know!

FG came over tonight for the first time in what seems like forever. He was in Detroit visiting his brothers for a week and then last week when he got back things were just crazy and he never made it over so it’s been 2-3 weeks since we’ve seen him. Yesterday I took the boys to the free kids’ movie in town and then we had lunch with him but he promised to come over for dinner tonight. It was a much-needed break for me…I actually hid out in the kitchen and cooked while he entertained the boys for a bit. I really wanted to duck out and take a hot shower which he said would be fine with him but I felt guilty about it so I didn’t.

Anyway, as I was tucking the boys in, FG had already told them good night and was waiting in the living room. Squirt asked me if FG could spend the night here and I told him (just like always) that no, he can’t. Then out of the blue came “Mommy, what if Daddy finds somebody else…instead of you?” I told him that we’re not married anymore so that would be fine. He asked me if Daddy will fall in love with someone else and marry them and I told him I don’t know, but that if he does, that will be ok and he’ll still be Daddy. He asked me why Daddy and I don’t like each other anymore and I could tell that this wasn’t the usual bedtime stalling but I just couldn’t deal with it. I told him that’s all grownup stuff and all he needs to know is that Daddy and I both love him very much but we’re not married anymore so we’re both free to have other friends and there might come a time when we want to marry someone else but that won’t change how much we both love the boys. He asked me “What about Her?” Well, what about her? She’s Daddy’s friend and he obviously cares about her very much. Apparently The Kid told Squirt that Daddy and Her are going to get married. I told him I don’t know anything about that and he’ll have to ask his dad. It was tempting to dial the phone right then but it was after 10:00 and the boys were both exhausted so I didn’t really want to start something at that point. He said that he asked Daddy and Daddy told him “We’re not talking about this right now.” I just told him he’ll have to take Daddy’s word for it and if there’s something he wants to know, he needs to ask him. He settled down and went on to sleep.

When I got back in the living room, I related the conversation to FG. He said that while I was brushing Pork Chop’s teeth and getting him ready for bed, Squirt had hugged him and told him he loves him and wishes he could be “our” Daddy since their dad doesn’t want to see them. This is kind of out of the blue considering that their dad has taken them three weeks in a row now (only for a few hours each time, but still, I think this is a record) and he actually showed up for Squirt’s pre-K graduation…he’s been more involved over the last month than he has over the last year! The boys have heard me repeatedly suggest to him that he should get them in the evenings during the week some and that he can have more weekend time if he wants it…he’s never said no, he just never follows through on it. So FG told him that their dad wants to see them, it’s just hard for him because he has a lot of stuff going on. Squirt asked him how he knows (he knows now that FG and Daddy work together) and FG told him because all dads love their little boys and want to be with them and that he’s such a great kid there’s no way his dad could not want to be with him.

I don’t know if I should e-mail Ex and tell him about the conversation (the marriage one…not the other one) or try to get Squirt to ask the questions again tomorrow and call his dad or if I should just leave it alone and see what happens. It makes me sad because this is obviously something he’s been chewing on for a little while…he hasn’t seen The Kid for two weeks so it’s been at least that long without even a mention. It just makes me sad that they have to deal with these issues so young…

When I picked the boys up from Ex last Sunday, they couldn’t wait to go home which is unusual since She and The Kid moved in. Actually, it’s unusual period. They always fuss and cry when it’s time to go with him, but they’re usually slow to want to leave him too. I figure that’s pretty normal. Anyway, Sunday, they practically drug me out the door when I picked them up. The whole way home they told me that it was boring and they didn’t want to visit Daddy again if The Kid’s not there (remember, he’s gone for 4 weeks now). Apparently, Daddy and Her were “busy doing grownup stuff” all day and didn’t pay any attention to the boys (which is not unusual) but they also wouldn’t let the boys play in The Kid’s room or with his toys…so they just had to sit in the living room alone and watch TV all day. Every day this week they’ve asked me when they can go visit Daddy again but when I tell them Sunday, they say they don’t want to go if The Kid’s not going to be there.

I know it’s hard on them. When you go in Ex’s apartment, there are 8×10 and 11×14 pictures of The Kid plastering the walls. The refrigerator is covered with his artwork. The walls in their bedroom are covered with his artwork. There are pictures of him all around their bedroom and on the bookshelves in the living room. There’s not a single picture in the apartment of our boys. Not one! Both of the boys have taken some of their drawings and artwork from school to hang up at Daddy’s house but if he’s displaying it, I haven’t seen where. I asked him if he wanted me to send a box of their toys to keep over there so that they weren’t always having to play with The Kid’s stuff but he said no, they don’t have room for anything extra and The Kid has enough toys to share. Then he gets angry at them when they refer to my place as “our house” and his place as “Daddy’s house”. He gets mad when they call my place “home”. WTF does he expect?!?!? They’re young, but they’re smart! I don’t think he means to hurt them, I think he’s just completely oblivious to it. He just doesn’t get it! The same way he just doesn’t get that this new situation might be contributing to the problems they’re having with The Kid. Completely f-ing clueless!

OK, I’ve got to get to bed now. Yesterday and today were slightly better if only because we were busier. I’m working on figuring out a schedule/routine and being consistent with the boundaries so hopefully it will settle down. Thank you for all the advice and encouragement. I’ve just got to accept that I’m not going to be able to do everything 100% the way I want to and figure out what kind of give and take I can live with to balance everything out.

Not enough tequila in Mexico

Nope. I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s not enough tequila in Mexico to get me through the summer as a SAHM. I’m a complete failure and I’m ok with that.

I think part of it is genetic. Squirt’s always been high-strung and needed lots of attention. Part of it is environmental. My boys are used to being in preschool where they get constant interaction and stimulation from the teachers and other kids. Part of it is me. For the past 5 years I’ve been working from home. Even though I’m working all day, I’m alone and it’s relatively quiet. Actually, I’ve been unemployed for going on 8 months now. I have to admit, I’ve gotten into the habit of staying up all night (working, searching for work, playing, whatever). During the day, I usually drop the boys off at school, come home and take a little nap, then spend the afternoon writing, looking for work, and playing (lately more writing and looking for work which is why I’m weeks behind on reading blogs). I knew the summer would be a transition for us but I tried to convince myself we could do it. Today I’m not so hopeful.

Last night I stayed up till 4:30a.m. which I knew was a mistake but I couldn’t sleep. I kept laying down, tossing and turning, and getting back up. I told myself that if I could get the writing I needed to do done while the boys were asleep it would make today easier. Except all I’ve wanted to do all day is sleep and the boys are so noisy and needy. I know that sounds horrible, but like I said, they want constant interaction and stimulation. I’m used to it on the weekends…I can’t take a shower or go to the bathroom without one of them wanting something from me, but by Monday I usually get a break. Not so today…and the fact that my next break is 2 months away scares the hell out of me.

I’ve been talking to the boys about staying home with me this summer. I called it preparing them for the transition but I think they may have picked up on my apprehension. Maybe today they’re just testing their boundaries. I’ve yelled until I’m hoarse today. Now I’m trying whispering but they’re just too keyed up.
I told them that we’d do something fun after nap today. I was planning to take them to one of those inflatable places to jump. Well, they played at naptime and Pork Chop (who HAS to have a nap) didn’t go down until 3:30. Squirt never did go to sleep (which means I didn’t get a nap either because every 10-15 minutes he had to ask me something or talk to me) By the time Pork Chop woke up it was 5:00 and the place closed at 6 so I told them too bad…they played at naptime so they didn’t get to play this afternoon. After the tantrums subsided, it’s been just hyper. Tomorrow morning is the free movie at the local theater so I told them if they go to bed like big boys tonight (which I doubt Pork Chop will since he just woke up from his nap so late) that we can go to the theater in the morning but it’s a movie they’ve already seen so they’re not overly impressed.

Squirt actually told me this evening that staying home with me is boring and he just wants to go to school this summer. This morning he gave me a penny that he found “because I always work so hard to make more money and I’m the bestest mommy in the whole wide universe”. This afternoon, he told me he wanted his penny back.

I introduce myself, the freaking mother of the year.

Maybe I can get some sleep tonight and start tomorrow off on a little better note.